Feeling sad

Yesterday night when go back from my mom house to my house just sit inside the car, suddenly I cry, I was in tears inside car while I driving on the road.

I dun know why my heart so pain so toughing something in my mind. I think a lot, I crying non stop! Why?? The 15 min driving can get almost 1/2hrs only reach home.

I feel like why I in this world? Thinking same as my friends, actually when she ask this question, I ask before also , why i born in this world ? why I must face so many thing? why only child in this family? is it i do a lot bad thing in my previous life? i debt to them? hahaha

I give so many problems to my parents, I argued with them, I make then sad, I cannot make them happy & relax life, I make a lot people dun like at me.

Study so many years, now getting old and yet married also but myself still cannot face those problem, I lazy, I tired no more active in others things. I not a good daughter for my parents, I’m not good wife for my hubby, not a good friend to my friends. I try to work hard but I cannot then I give up, I cannot talk much with parents, I cannot give them so much money I cannot give them live in a good life. My father’s almost 70yrs old but still have to take 3 way bus go to KL for work, I see him so tired so pity I feel myself no use why I working so many years I still cannot let my father have a relax life , let my parents go for travel ? I feel sad when see my old father so tired I so pain in my heart and no face to talk to my parents too and yet really hard to talk with them, and yet my father is a really old Hainan china man very stubborn and easy get angry always get angry if something happen (these why I also the same ) scold people scold mother scold ……… and says nonsense and yet I can feel they look like feel will getting lost this daughter after married, but not! I still go back home everyday even Sunday I also go back to home bring mom go wet market just maybe I no like last time bring my mom go out shopping in frequent, I just very tired even myself I really lazy to go out.I know ,when they talk something in front of me the sound no happy at all, says something really make me heart pain, feel heartbroken !

Sometimes really tired or promise friends to go out at night and of course cannot go back my parents’ house, I can feel she not happy,(these why I lost my friends contact to go out at night ) and how should I do? I really tired go back there then at night came back my house even just a 15 min driving but I really tired and feel dangerous go back alone at night. Sometimes really think rather I not married so I have more energy and time to them.

I really tired to face two family, one my parents one my hubby both I need to care for them and yet luckily I dun have children if not I will more tired! I tired with my life , even now my work no more tension as last time but who know next year I be busy cause I know I need handle a lot thing in future.

I so heart pain when see my parents, feel myself really no use! I dun know till when I can stand here, I scared one day if my parents got anything happen since they so old already, I scared I cannot handle I scared I no enough money to cover all expenses come to, I scared I will get more argument with them make them more sad to me, I know my parents really sad to me cause I cannot be a good daughter and I really easy angry this few years, I dun know how? I dun know how to face those problem I really scared to face it for my future. A lot thing I rather no to think not to do but I must face it also! i feel heartache (seksaan jiwa)

Anywhere i feel sorry and thanks to them, and i know actually i lucky cause i still have parents i still can have my life compare to who no house no parents !